In the last decade, I’ve called bullshit on, well, the bullshit, so often that I finally live a virtually shit-free life.

If you’re not doing the same, I fear you’re not living your most happy and authentic life. If you are like I was and doubt your worth, this challenge will be so damn hard. But please, take this leap. In the beginning, It’s not easy; it hurts like hell, and your guilt and insecurity almost talk you out of it. But listen up, I promise that once you have a few under your belt, you will look for the bullshit in your life so you can call it out and rid your existence of its stink.

Let me tell you five things I’ve learned starting with the easy stuff first.

1. My mother was a teacher of trauma. I learned that well. However, one gem she gave me was this; “People who tell you who they are with words are lying. People who show themselves with their actions are being truthful.”

For example, “I will never lie to you.” Thanks for the promise, but it seems that statement is a red-flagged lie. Just don’t do it, and you won’t ever have to make that promise.

Maybe a declaration of a promise against something that could potentially hurt you is an attempt of the inevitable perpetrator to verbalize a pledge to themselves. A commitment they will try to keep. Don’t count on promises. Count on actions. I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times, and that is because it’s true. Your friends, family, co-workers, everyone will attempt to impose their grotesque and foul excrement on you in the form of promises in search of their own tangled happiness. Please don’t fall for it. Rid yourself of it and live your life for God’s sake.

2. “You’re not doing enough. You must visit, call, support, do, and exist for your family more.”

Hmmm. The fact that I don’t is telling in itself. If I felt unconditionally loved, maybe I would. If there were a safe place for me there, I would. If I couldn’t get enough of you, I would. If the act supported my life the way I want to live it, I would. Do I need to recover after? Does it impose financial or emotional harm on me to do so? Does it send me into a self-loathing ball of failure? Has there been a series of life events that built a foundation upon which I choose to dwell in this relationship?

In reality, the person(s) imposing such a request is the only one with a job here. Well, your job is to call that bullshit out, but their job is to make you want to do the thing of your own free will or shut the hell up.

3. Friend: “How dare you leave your husband?” and, “You don’t spend enough time with me.” Or, “You never respond to my social media posts, but I see you respond to others. You aren’t a good enough friend for me. I spent so much time listening to your issue, but you didn’t take any of my advice; it was a total waste of my time. I need more from you as a friend. I never see you. You didn’t do enough for my birthday. You didn’t do that thing the way you should have.” And any friend performance scolding you can think of.

Wow! Just wow. And by the way, I am writing about only things that have actually happened to me. Let me just say that this behavior is as toxic from a friend as it is from a significant other or family member. If anyone reaches out to scold you for not reaching their expectations of you, don’t respond. I used to react and get sucked into a text or email argument. I tried to explain myself and negotiate a remedy. I learned that my reasons for living my own God damned life weren’t good enough for people like this. Their needs will always supersede mine.

If you are a person that does this to people in your life, stop. Instead, reach out to express your love. Even tell them that you miss them or what you are willing to do to include them in your life more. Don’t scold and belittle those who you want in your life more. Make them want to see you by loving them or letting them go–without notice or declaration.

4. “Who do you think you are?” and “Well, you better have a backup plan.” or “That’s impossible.” or “No. Never, You can’t do it. You’re out of your league.”

Don’t let words like this suck the ambition out of you—words like this show the speaker’s inabilities and insecurities, not yours. DO NOT believe this horse shit.

For example, I decided to risk my ego and entered the 2011 Mrs. Maine America Pageant. I had just started a not-for-profit company called Lipgloss4Lives. Our platform was raising money with lipgloss sales for drug addiction awareness and family support programs. I thought my platform was worthy and perhaps could gain volume if I had a crown. To my disbelief, I won the title of Mrs. Maine America in 2011. People in my life shamed me for it, even threatened to expose my true unworthy self to remove my title. I called bullshit and responded, “Go for it. Here is the name, phone number, and address of the pageant director. Give her whatever proof you have that I don’t deserve to succeed and be happy.” I never heard another word about it after that.

5. This is a big one ya’ll. Listen up!

Judge: “It is your job to make sure your child sees their other parent regardless of how much she doesn’t want to.”

Really? So, even though this bright, kind-hearted, and deeply sensitive child is scared of her father in a way that has nothing to do with discipline, is begging for my protection, should I force her to see him? I call a big fat round stinking pile of bullshit larger than life itself on this one. Absolutely not. I will do jail time to protect her. The judge should have said: “It is both of your jobs to do what is right for your child.” That is what I’m doing. And anyone who disagrees with me or doesn’t believe in me can fuck off.

I’m sure there are many more times we all need to call bullshit every day. If you can think of one, please share it in the comments! I’m eager to keep cleaning this shit up! Rock on!!

Yours truly, Tina Hendricks